Showing posts with label transgender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transgender. Show all posts

Thursday, 11 October 2018

Oneiroi Zero-Eight

Written by Erik Garkain ©  2018 
(Approx. 32,000 words)

Chapter 1: Life is Elsewhere

Mica joined the queue for the Firefly coach from Sydney to Adelaide, all his worldly possessions in his tattered backpack. At the front of the line, the ticketing lady looked at him twice before asking if he was sure, was that really where a nice boy like him wanted to go?
‘Yes, Ma’am,’ he said with a polite smile.
She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘You one of them, then? Those infected, those—Volatiles?’ She growled the slur at him. ‘That’s all Adelaide’s good for anymore. No more City of Churches, it’s City of Freaks now!’ she spat.
Mica’s heart pounded as he snatched the ticket away rougher than he’d intended. ‘You see anything freakish about me, lady?!’ he managed. Mica knew there were limited outward physical signs of his mutation and he’d almost perfected the art of pretending there were none. He turned his back with more confidence than he felt, then boarded the bus to the sounds of her incoherent grunts. The curious gazes of his fellow passengers, who all looked as normal as him but could quite as easily be hiding their own secrets, followed his steps.
The bus was at near capacity for the overnight trip to Melbourne, but most people disembarked into the first flush of morning at Southern Cross station. The city was already bustling, and the aroma of coffee wafted through every street. This metropolis was mostly unchanged, still home to people unaffected by the Oneiroi Zero-Eight virus that had spread throughout the country. People who didn’t want to know freaks like him. People like his family, those unaffected by the retrovirus. Apparently, Adelaide was an entirely different story.
There were only a handful of people still aboard when the bus passed through Ballarat, and after the drivers changed at Horsham, Mica was the only passenger left. He was the only one to see the illuminated billboards in the night. Not the path you seek. Turn back and find the light: A message brought to you by the Anti-Oneiroi Community. And another one not even half a kilometre down the road, a desperate last plea by the same community who were petitioning for mandatory testing and isolation of the infected. There is life elsewhere. Call us today. Concerned citizens spreading the words of their God; ignorant of the increasing statistics of scared young people killing themselves because of that same hateful propaganda and fear mongering bullshit. The same support ‘community’ that his parents had contacted after he’d come out to them when he received his blood test back. The ones that had influenced his parent’s views on his affliction, made him appear like a predator to his kid sister when Mica refused to attend their internment ‘camp’… and his father’s belligerent last words to his firstborn.
Mica turned away before his rising hatred had time to get the better of him, but the next billboard pulled his attention back. Two people, seemingly in full body makeup rivalling the best prosthetic special effects in the industry, dressed to the nines, their top hats dipped low. Their arms were held back like a private welcoming ceremony to the greatest show on earth. And the words, quoted from one of his favourite superhero films, Hellboy: All us freaks have is each other. And, Welcome home.
Mica grinned and settled more comfortably in his seat.

#

In the early hours of the night, almost twenty-four hours since he’d boarded, they stopped outside of a place called ‘Sweeties Bakehouse’ in the small country town of the unambiguously named, Bordertown, though it was almost twenty kilometres from the actual border separating Victoria from South Australia. The deli was a dimly lit weatherboard shop sporting two large wagon wheels. Here the bus keys exchanged hands once again. Fuzzy with perpetual dozing, Mica peered out of the window at the two drivers who conversed and traded satchels. Lights from the neighbouring Shell service station didn’t penetrate the shadows enough to see the pair clearly beneath a gently swaying tree, but the new driver glanced up and directly at Mica. What light there was reflected from his eyes and Mica shrank back. It must have been pitch black on the bus, only the headlights and safety lights around the outside were lit up – there was no way he could have seen in, could he?
Mica sank away from the window and deeper into his seat, his eyes bleary from sporadic sleep and his mind still vague from dreams, or so he convinced himself. The new chauffeur boarded and stood glancing down the aisle at his single silent passenger. Mica feigned sleep but swore the driver’s eyes gleamed red beneath his hood for only a second or two. He clutched his backpack closer to his chest and calmed his breathing. The bus rumbled into ignition and sat idling for a moment while the driver sorted himself out. Mica breathed a sigh of relief as the bus rolled down the quiet street and back onto the highway.
Weathered signs were highlighted by the bus’s high beams. Some of these vandalised, ripped down, but their messages were all the same: Road Closed Ahead; No Access; Restricted Area; Quarantine; Do Not Venture Beyond This Point; Oneiroi Zero-Eight Infected Zone. Mica stared. 
The bus slowed to a stop. Were they going to be turned away? Mica sat taller, his head swivelling, searching for danger. 
The driver didn’t appear worried. He stood up casually and stretched rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck from side to side. ‘Pit stop,’ he called down the aisle. ‘Won’t be a moment.’ The front door yawned open, and the driver disembarked. 
He reappeared moments later strolling towards the shell of a long since abandoned single brick office building. Colourful scrawls of graffiti and the charcoal stain of fire were visible through a single busted window. A huge weathered sign labelled it ‘Checkpoint Zone 6’. The driver walked straight up to the checkpoint, shuffled around in the front of his pants and started pissing on the remains of the building.
Mica jerked his eyes away. Six-foot fences topped with razor wire surrounded them and disappeared into the darkness beyond – how long did they go on for? Once in, was he trapped? But it had been damaged, and there wasn’t a single person to enforce the quarantine. No doubt, when the virus has been new and scary, these gates would have been heavily restricted. He’d heard about the testing measures to ensure only the infected were allowed to pass. Nowadays people were free to make their own decisions whether to come or go. What uninfected person would want to cross this border? And who of the infected would think it was a good idea to leave? Or perhaps, did too many people carry latent versions of the virus making any control unenforceable? It was hard to believe anything mainstream media said of the virus.
The lights, only a few of which remained, lit up the surrounds like daylight. The gate ahead of them had been ripped from its hinges, laying bent across one side of the road. So, it had been busted open? Not freely opened? Since when? A single tank upended onto its side, the continuous tread stripped from the wheels, the turret ripped clean from the hull – what could do that? Behind it an emu lay decomposing, one toe twisted between two lengths of wire fencing, its other leg snapped under its heavy body.
Mica startled as the driver reclaimed his seat behind the wheel. ‘Tradition,’ he laughed. 
The door closed. Off they went, unhindered. 

#

Four hours later they reached Adelaide.
Mica hadn’t slept since the drivers swapped. He watched the darkness lift and the city lights approach, his mind filled with anticipation and a dreaded fear. Would he be any more welcome here than he had been at home?
The driver was standing at the doors when Mica disembarked. His hood pulled back revealing his face to be unshaven, but otherwise unremarkable. No visible sign of mutation, but Mica knew that meant little.
He held out a perfectly regular hand to Mica. ‘Welcome to the city of Adelaide,’ he greeted with a warm smile. ‘May you find what you’re looking for.’
Mica hesitantly clutched the man’s hand, thrown by his sincere welcome and the intrusion into his soul. Was he that obvious? ‘Thank you,’ Mica mumbled unable to find any other words. He moved off, his legs humming with the relief of activity. He could feel the bus driver’s eyes on him until he found the foyer of the bus station and finally disappeared out of sight into the restrooms. He splashed the sheen of sweat off his face with cold water and stared at his haggard reflection. No regrets.
The young lady behind the counter this time was friendly and helpful. She called him ‘bloke’ and told him not to take attitude from anyone; that the people around here could be aloof at times, but generally, they had good intentions. She directed him to cheap accommodation just around the corner.
‘Good luck finding what you’re after,’ she called after him.
He stopped. ‘Why do you think I’m looking for something?’
She smiled. The tattoos down her neck swirled and morphed like Rorschach blots when she moved. ‘We’re all freaks here. All outcasts. No one comes to Adelaide these days unless they are looking for something; somewhere to call home, somewhere to fit in, someone to love; hey bloke?’ She suggested. ‘I hope you find your happiness.’
‘Thanks,’ he mumbled. So his journey here hadn’t been original? The double doors slid open and warm air burst in drying out Mica’s already tired eyes. The sun was only just on the rise and already the day promised to be a warm one.
On the corner, only a hundred metres from the bus station he found ‘Sunnies’, what he’d been told was the friendliest place to stay for those with little to spare. Tourists were up and sharing a pancake breakfast, so he joined them with minimal persuasion. Although they included him, Mica was too tired to hold any conversation for long. He retired to a newly purchased bunk in a shared room and collapsed. His bones creaked and popped in relief as he stretched out for the first time in what felt like aeons. Suddenly the weight of the past week, his recent journey, and his full belly overwhelmed him. He couldn’t even find the energy to make it to the shower before the need for sleep defeated him. He closed his eyes to the tune of his father’s angry mantra: Get away from my daughter. Get out of my house. Go away!

Saturday, 1 July 2017

FTM Magazine Article

I am officially a published author...

Originally published on https://ftmmagazine.com/ (HERE) on 10 April 2017, the link is no longer active, so I am posting my article here:

Self-Harm, Transition...

It was never a choice. I did not one day decide to be a boy. One day I simply allowed my true self to come into being. | Erik Garkain



My body is scarred.

From my shoulders to fingertips, under my clothes, over my chest, my stomach and my legs – all support a tracery of scars inflicted through deliberate self-harm. Self-harm had been a way for me to release emotional pain and stress: the only way I could feel in control of my life.  It made me feel alive. It made me feel something, not just so disturbingly numb.

If you could see under my shirt, you’d see other scars too: surgical scars that helped salvage this life. I have two identical scars curving from my armpits to my sternum – double bilateral mastectomy with chest reconstruction; and, a horizontal 20cm scar underneath my belly, just above my pubic line – total hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy.

Ten years ago I was living a completely different life. I was bordering on my 21st birthday, working with the elderly in an aged care hostel, and, at the beginning of what would become a five-year relationship of relative heteronormativity.

I was also a girl. I often wonder if my self-harm was a consequence of my latent gender dysphoria?

I was male on the inside. It was a feeling I hadn’t come to accept, or believe could be fact. I was carrying a weight that I’m sure rings familiar with anyone who has borne the confines of a closet. My ‘closet’ was an identity I had been taught, not one that was true. The hormones were wrong, my body was wrong; it had bits I couldn’t associate with, it did things that terrified and disgusted me.

Coming out was a challenge. I have always been shy. I don’t often speak up, even if I have something worthwhile to contribute, so, to come forward to the people in my life with something so personal, was a terrifying prospect. When you come out as trans, it immediately cultivates all sorts of unwanted and personal intrusions: Is it a sexual thing? Does that mean you’re gay, or straight? Do you like boys or girls now? Are you pre-op or post-op? What have you got ‘downstairs’? And my favourite: If you don’t have a penis, you’ll never be a ‘real’ guy. But I shouldn’t have worried. My family have always been supportive, my sisters – amazing. I don’t often give people a chance to be anything else. If they want me in their life, they will respect my choices.

Strangers are harder. Historically gays have been persecuted by just as much misunderstanding and judgment as the transgender community, but a lot of trans people feel ostracised in queer safe spaces, as if we don’t belong. A lot of the discrimination I have had has come directly from the gay community: My choosing to be male didn’t make it so because I would never have a penis.

It was never a choice. I did not one day decide to be a boy. One day I simply allowed my true self to come into being. I would never choose to become a second class citizen; to open myself to discrimination and hate with possible abandonment and rejection from family and friends; to jeopardise my job security; to lose the right to marry; or, risk ever finding a partner who could accept me… None of this is anything I would willingly choose. It was simply the next step of my existence, and it was always going to happen.


Looking back this past decade, to the start of my transition, the doubts were strong. But now I can see what I have achieved. Physically and mentally I am in the happiest place I have been. As each day passes, my confidence grows, and with it, strength to be who I really am, and that is a wonderful feeling. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change my journey, because changing that would change the essence of who I am. But perhaps some words of solace for the darkest of nights: You’re not weird, you’re not crazy, and these feelings, they won’t go away. Don’t listen to the people in your life that want to make you feel worthless. Don’t listen to the people who want to tell you who you should be. Listen to yourself. Only you know how you truly feel. And yes, at times it will be tough – out on that ledge, exposed to the world – but you need to be yourself. That is where your happiness is. You are better than you think you are. You are great, and people love you, for you.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Patrick White Playwrights’ Award 2016

...Thank you for applying for the Patrick White Playwrights’ Award 2016. We have now received your online application and script.

The judging panel will have selected the winner of the Award by May 2017, at which point we will advise you of the outcome of your entry.

Please note that the judges’ decision is final and no correspondence or discussion will be entered into. We also regret that we are unable to provide individual feedback to your submission...



Friday, 27 February 2015

Scarification

Done by Paulus at Piercing HQ, Hoddle St, Melbourne VIC


Okay, I have kind of lost track of time. This is the current picture of what my scarification looks like now, a month-ish on:



Yay. Completely healed now.

EDIT: http://www.piercinghq.com.au/2015/03/a-surprise-arrived-today.html

Two Weeks On:




ORIGINAL POST

The Design (and shave)
Electrocautery really hurts

One Week On:





 Updates to continue...


Sunday, 16 November 2014

Self-Harm and the Trans* Community


An estimated 40 to 50% of GLBTIQ (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Trans*, Intersex, Queer) people self-harm, or attempt suicide at least once in their lifetime.
National estimates suggest between 4 to 7% of Australian youth (aged 15 – 24 years) have engaged in self-harming behaviours. 63% of respondents of the Trans Mental Health Study 2012 (Study 2012) harmed more prior to transitioning, and only 3% after. Of these, 60% felt the reasons for self-harm related to being trans* either directly, or indirectly.

A recent Australian review of LGBTI mental health reported that 50% of trans* Australians had attempted suicide. This is almost identical to a UK study which suggested 48%. Suicidal ideation and attempts are more frequent pre-transition. One respondent said, "I feel as if I am always going to be different by the society around me, and either patronised as a ‘brave survivor’ or avoided as an incomprehensible alien artefact – never just treated as a person."

Self-harm reduces following transition for the majority of those who have a history of self-harm. "My feelings of self and worth, not to mention, my confidence has grown exponentially since coming out, and presenting male. I am not ashamed of myself anymore – it’s been a wonderful journey," said Azaria**, 31, Adelaide, SA. A respondent in the Study 2012 said, "I gained the guts to stop caring what other people thought about me. I wake up every day with a few billion people hating me just for existing, and it doesn’t matter."

The majority of trans* people feel that the way their community is represented in the media has a negative effect on their emotional wellbeing. "Tabloid stories about transpeople are often exploitative, invasive of privacy, inaccurate, irrelevant or intended to drum up transphobia." Just look at the Courier Mail reporting the death of Mayang Prastyo a couple of weeks ago. Insensitive, sensational headlines, and photos, described the trans* murder victim as ‘she-male’ and ‘lady boy’.
Transgender and gender diverse people are more likely to experience mental distress due to the social disapproval and discrimination they encounter in their daily lives. Their mental health status is disclosed by some, depending on their perceived reaction from doctors or health care professionals. According to Gender Disorder Information, ‘Some shrinks want to solve the other problems before they tackle the gender issues – but what if the gender issues are the likely source of the problem?’ Many trans* people will hide feelings of depression or self-harm in fear it will delay their transition.
Discrimination is one of the main factors influencing trans* mental health and self-harm. Abuse, discrimination and stress are all too common. Going Upstream (a framework for promoting the mental health of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people) suggests that 49% of LGBTI youth experience some form of abuse in childhood. The Study 2012 confirms this. ‘Once dysphoria is resolved via transition, all that remains is people’s attitudes. Once society stops discrimination against us, then it will be safe to say that being trans* is not a bad thing,’ participants said, ‘I am more comfortable with my appearance and who I am, but it also makes me very aware that others aren’t.’
From Writing Themselves in 3 2010, a national study of SSAIGD (Same Sex Attracted, Intersex, and Gender Diverse) people aged 14 – 24 years, has shown that 18% who have never been subjected to physical or verbal heterosexist abuse, had self-harmed. 31% had self-harmed after verbal abuse and 55% after physical heterosexist abuse. Data from 2013 Growing Up Queer suggests that 33% of young people have self-harmed after homophobic or transphobic abuse. ‘I was sexually abused as a child by a close relative… I was emotionally abused growing up, perhaps responsible for my self-esteem issues and confidence problems now,’ said Azaria.
According to the experience of many trans* people, healthcare services are "inadequate and staffed by uneducated workers, especially when gender issues are coupled with self-harm". Self-harm and ‘alternative’ lifestyles are still relatively taboo in our society. A high per cent of trans* people have reported feeling emotionally distressed about their mental health whilst attending a Gender Identity Clinic (GIC). 
These frustrations are just as common here in South Australia. Newly identifying trans* people are required to see Gender Clinic prior to transitioning. There is only one GIC in Adelaide, and no alternative other than travelling interstate for care. South Australian law is still abiding by the Sexual Reassignment Act, written in 1988. Obeying outdated rules and regulations in fear of archaic laws leaves no room for best professional practice and individualised care for trans* people.
I attended the ANZPATH conference, Adelaide October 4 - 6, and there the first seeds of developing a national voice for the Australian trans* community were established. This is exciting. It is a work in progress that is going to take time and commitment, but it is going to reap some fantastic steps forward for the trans* community, and the future of gender diverse people in Australia, and hopefully, the world.


**Name changed.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Avoiding Direct Exposure

or: I am the way I am and sometimes that really sucks!

The deeper I think, the deeper I seem to sink
AFI The Last Kiss

My body is scarred from my shoulders to my fingertips. Under my clothes, over my chest, my stomach and my legs, all support a tracery of scars inflicted through deliberate self-harm. None of them have been life-threatening, and none of them have required emergency medical care. Of that, I have become an expert.

And it’s not all random slashes, there’s ‘art’ too: the word FAG is scarred onto the back of my right hand. It was branded at four o’clock one morning with a candle and a wire coat hanger. I traced the Slipknot ‘S’ meticulously onto my calf with a razorblade when I was sixteen; the alchemical symbol for Sulphur (or ‘Leviathan Cross’) soon followed, by skin removal; I have a pentagram, and seemingly endless song lyrics scored into my flesh. Amid the chaos, a word stands out, a word that’s repeated again and again. This word: hate. Why (and, who?) do I hate so bad?

Self-harm was a way to release my emotional pain and stress. It was the only way I could feel in control. It made me feel alive, feel something, not just numb. Although I don’t self-harm anymore, I still feel this ‘numbness’[1].

If you could see under my shirt, you’d see other scars too: surgical scars that helped salvage my life. I have two identical scars curving from my armpits to my sternum – double bilateral mastectomy with chest reconstruction; and, a horizontal 20cm scar underneath my belly, just above my pubic line – total hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy.

My favourite tool for self-harm was a razorblade, and I have been a cutter since I was twelve years old, but now I wonder if it was a consequence of my latent gender dysphoria?

You want them to see you
like they see any other girl
They just see a faggot
They hold their breath
not to catch the sick

AGAINST ME! Transgender Dysphoria Blues[2]

Ten years ago I had a completely different life. I was bordering my 21st birthday, working with the elderly in an aged care hostel, and, at the beginning of what would become a five year relationship of relative heteronormativity. I was also a girl.

I was carrying around a secret that I’m sure rings familiar with any closeted kid. I was male on the inside. It was a feeling I hadn’t come to accept, or believe could be fact. My ‘closet’ was an identity I had been taught, not one that was true. The hormones were wrong, my body was wrong; it had bits I couldn’t associate with, it did things that terrified and disgusted me.

Coming out was a challenge. I have always been shy. I don’t often speak up, even if I have something worthwhile to contribute, so, to come forward to the people in my life with something so personal, was a terrifying prospect. When you come out as transgender, it immediately cultivates all sorts of unwanted and personal intrusions: Is it a sexual thing? Does it mean you’re gay, or straight? Do you like boys or girls now? Are you pre-op or post-op? What have you got ‘downstairs’? And my favourite response: If you don’t have a penis, you’ll never be a real guy.

I shouldn’t have worried. My family have always been supportive, my sisters – amazing. I don’t often give people a chance to be anything else, if they want me in their life, they will respect my choices. Strangers are harder. Historically gays have been persecuted by just as much misunderstanding and judgment as the transgender community, but a lot of trans people feel ostracised in queer safe spaces, as if we don’t belong. A lot of the discrimination I have had has come directly from the gay community: My choosing to be male didn’t make it so because I would never have a penis.

It was never a choice. I did not one day decide to be a boy. One day I simply allowed my true self to come into being. I would never choose to become a second class citizen (in the eyes of many); to open myself to discrimination and hate, possible abandonment and rejection from family and friends; to jeopardise my job security; to lose the right to marry; or, risk ever finding a partner who could accept me… None of this is anything I would willingly choose. It was the next step of my existence, and it was always going to happen…






[1] I have since been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety.
[2] Transgender Dysphoria Blues is the sixth studio album from Against Me! (one of my favourite bands). It was released on January 21, 2014 following the coming out of Laura Jane Grace (founder, lead singer, songwriter and guitarist) in May 2012. The album deals with gender dysphoria.