The Short Screenplay Challenge is a competition that challenges writers around the world to create short screenplays (5 pages max.) based on genre, location, and object assignments in 48 hours. Each writer will participate in at least 2 writing challenges and as many as 4 depending on how well they placed.
Thriller/Wave Pool/Lollipop
WAVE POOL WILLIES
by Erik Garkain 2020
LOGLINE: A trans guy experiences his worst nightmares come to fruition at the local pool.
INT. WAVE POOL ADVENTURE PARK, PUBLIC BATHROOM
Wide-eyed BILLY (25, transgender) stares at himself in the mirror. The bathroom is rust-stained, water dripping a steady beat in the background. Everything looks damp, the threat of mold lurks in each corner and crevice as if the room had been recently pulled from Poseidon's depths.
BILLY
(teeth gritted)
You pass. You’ve got this. No one can tell.
Billy reaches under a baggy t-shirt emblazoned with an illegible heavy metal band logo and adjusts his disguised breasts. From his neckline the peekaboo fabric of a binder – stretched tight and unforgiving.
He brushes down his chest, checks from the side – chest flat – and stares down the mirror again, eyes narrow.
BILLY (CONT’D)
No one sees a girl. You’re fine. Look, your five o’clock shadow is almost visible—
BANG BANG BANG.
Billy startles as offscreen someone pounds on the door.
MAN (O.S)
Come on man! Hurry up!
He returns focus to the mirror momentarily.
BILLY
I’m sorry, I’m done.
Hands stuffed down his shorts, he adjusts and finally turns.
MAN (O.S)
Are you—are you a girl?!
This stops him dead.
MAN (CONT’D) (O.S)
Why are you using this bathroom? You can’t—I've gotta get in there!
Louder knocks this time, more urgent. The door shudders.
Billy unhooks the latch and pulls the door open.
EXT. WAVE POOL ADVENTURE PARK, PUBLIC BATHROOM – DAY
Leaning against the door is a MAN (50s, massive beer belly, tiny red budgie smugglers). His torso is smeared in what looks like congealed tomato sauce – not blood, surely? Billy’s eyes are downcast as he exits through the door. He attempts to push past.
One fat, thick, heavy, tomato-stained hand, drops down on Billy’s shoulder. Billy freezes, blood running cold, deer in headlights. He slowly lifts his eyes to the Man’s.
MAN
(smiles slowly)
Oh, I’m sorry, dude. It’s just—you sounded like a girl.
(laughs)
Guess puberty’s not far off!
BILLY
(shocked)
Is that... blood?
Again, the laugh.
MAN
Yeah, I, ahh, cut... myself. Sure.
He pulls the door shut, his laugh echoing.
EXT. WAVE POOL ADVENTURE PARK, POOL – DAY
Bodies press and writhe against one another all crammed together like a giant undulating swarm. Pulsating waves push from the top of the pool and filter down where, spent, they can only lap gently at the shallows.
In the shallows people collect their breath, the waves are mere millimeters compared to the ferocity of their beginnings, and the space in-between -crowds of people float. Some in donuts, others on noodles, some clutching a thick floating rope down the middle.
Screams of terror rise as a huge wave is pushed out swallowing the bodies of the many floaters.
NATHAN (30, heavily tattooed, shirtless) ducks under the wave, his long black hair swallowing his head like an octopus as he emerges. A leg – seemingly disembodied – floats by and kicks him in the ear.
Someone shrieks but their cries are cut off by a muffled gurgle.
Bodies everywhere. Waves. Bodies smashing against one another. Waves. Limbs flailing, scrambling, grabbing. More waves.
BILLY, lost in the crowd, scrambles for purchase under the unforgiving water. He goes under.
EXT. WAVE POOL ADVENTURE PARK, UNDERWATER – DAY
Bubbles, bubbles. Blood swirling.
EXT. WAVE POOL ADVENTURE PARK, POOL – DAY
BILLY’s head explodes out from underwater, gasping for air. He desperately looks around, water in his eyes.
An abandoned pool noodle floats by, a ripped t-shirt caught on top washes away as Billy grabs the noodle. He pulls it to his chest – a life preserver. He doesn’t see the shirt.
Screams again. Another wave. This one larger than any before. Hysterical laughs morphing into terrified shrieks. Screams cut off abruptly. Silence. Water rising. The stinging of chlorine as he tries desperately to see.
Tiny red budgie smugglers. That heavy hand on his shoulder. And he’s drowning. Being held under. All that weight – so much strength. Bubbles. Air leaving. Bubbles. Blood.
A hand finds his waist.
NATHAN
You good?
Another wave looms closer and both guys stop to dip below it. People, limbs, bubbles.
BILLY
Who enjoys this?
Nathan’s laugh is cut off by another wave, but both guys hold onto each other.
Bodies mash together. Tumultuous waves tumbling them towards the shallows. Limbs fall with them. So many people – more limbs than possible.
Blood. This time unmistakable.
The MAN rises from beneath the water, a demonic entity come to claim its last sacrifice. Billy attempts to cry out but his voice is nowhere to be found. He flounders for his newfound savior.
Blood. So much blood. Pouring down the Man’s chest. And in his hand—
BILLY
He's cut somebody’s penis off!
NATHAN
What...?
Nathan pales.
Another wave.
EXT. WAVE POOL ADVENTURE PARK, UNDERWATER – DAY
Billy disappears beneath the water, his hand desperately reaching between his legs.
BILLY
(mouths)
Oh my god!?
Billy’s packer, a realistic rubber phallus used to give the impression of a bulge in his underwear, dances around the water around him. He grabs at it.
EXT. WAVE POOL ADVENTURE PARK – DAY
Billy stands up out of the water, his face flushed red. Desperately he searches all around.
Beside him, the Man heads out, a wet plaster flopping from an open gash on his forehead, blood dribbling down the side of his face and running in watery streams down his chest. His hands -empty. Billy stares after him.
NATHAN (O.S)
Looking for this?
A pale pink phallus is flopped in front of Billy’s face. He closes his eyes wanting to disappear into the waves again, but he doesn’t. That packer was expensive. He grabs it and hurries away.
EXT. WAVE POOL, EXIT – DAY
Nathan leans against the doorway, a towel wrapped around his waist, his damp hair blowing in the gentle breeze. Billy approaches, no way out but forward.
NATHAN
Hey.
Billy looks up, cheeks flushed. Nathan winks at him.
NATHAN (CONT’D)
Wild ride, ‘ey?
Billy stares waiting for the punchline. Nathan smiles, the corner of his mouth twisting up just a little as he brings a giant round multi-colored lollipop to his lips. A pierced tongue snakes out and tastes the lollipop exploringly. Billy shifts uncomfortably unable to look away.
NATHAN (CONT’D)
I’m Nathan.
He grins.
JUDGES FEEDBACK (to which I agree completely):
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1774} This is so odd it's wildly amusing. The strange man, who always seemed to be bleeding, and a floating phallus were surely among the wildest things in the wave pool this day. Nathan's and Billy's unexpected connection felt interesting, offering hope of exploration. {1997} A surprising blend of reality with fearful hallucinations. The main character is set up well, which gives us something real to hold on to as we are immersed in this surreal scenario. {1701} “The threat of mold lurks in each corner and crevice as if the room had been recently pulled from Poseidon's depths.” This is a great bit of description. The fear of discovery and the terrifying symbolism that Billy associates with being found out is potent and thought-provoking, and the ending serves as a lovely, hopeful affirmation.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1774} Share if the bleeding man had targeted Billy on purpose. Also, clarify the source of the man's bleeding and what had happened or kept happening to him. Reveal why Billy had come to the water park at all; he didn't seem at all comfortable. {1997} The blending of the surreality is so seamless it can be more than a little confusing at times. This screenplay attempts to pull off a difficult feat, and it's pretty successful, but even more massaging could help with clarity and thus help give the reader more investment the drama taking place. {1701} “Pulsating waves push from the top of the pool and filter down where, spent, they can only lap gently at the shallows.” … “the waves are mere millimeters compared to the ferocity of their beginnings.” While your descriptions are lovely, some of the material may fit more comfortably in the realm of prose, as there’s quite a restrictive page cap and space on the page is precious. These details don’t necessarily add anything substantial to the story, and can likely be trimmed to make room for passages that develop character or further the action of the story.
“Billy, lost in the crowd, scrambles for purchase under the unforgiving water. He goes under.” I had to rewind at this point because I felt like I’d been thrown for a loop. We see Billy exiting the bathroom where he has his encounter with the beer-bellied man, but then our attention zooms out for a substantial bit of time while you set the scene of the wave pool at large. Then suddenly Billy is amidst the crowd and pulled under. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with the way it’s structured, I just wanted to bring to your attention that it may be a bit jarring for the reader as it feels like we left Billy behind in the previous scene. Perhaps tightening up the scene-setting at the wave pool will keep the reader “zoomed in” and focused on the action at hand so that Billy’s appearance in the water feels more organic.
The passages at the end of page four get a bit confusing, as some of the material here seems to be thoughts and imaginings that Billy is experiencing, but things that wouldn't translate to the screen so that a viewing audience would experience them in the same way that a reader would.
